Grief. Guilt. Dealing.

This week I had a couple of revelations presented to me, that expanded my understanding - of myself, and of life in general. (I thought that sentence without irony, but typed it with rolling eyes. Will I always think in platitudes, I wonder?)

Grief. Guilt. Dealing.

Dr. Waltrip, a remarkable psychiatrist here in Dallas who, in addition to prescribing medications, also practices therapy on his patients, said to me this week,"We have two brains, an emotional brain, and a logical brain. When we feel emotions, our logical brain tries to make sense of them. When a loved one dies, sometimes those who are still alive feel survivor's guilt. Their logical brain tries to ascribe a reason for this feeling of guilt."

He was explaining to me a reason that I might have felt guilty for not closing my mother's eyes after she died. I didn't think of it at the time, but worried afterward that I should have done it, that she would have wanted it to be done, that others expected me to, that I should have protected her and didn't. I have felt this guilt for almost 4 years, and could only admit it a few weeks ago - I was so scared I would be told I indeed should have done so, that I was a bad daughter.

He continued. "Your neurons need to be fired - the ones that are telling you that you feel guilty and the ones providing the reason you feel guilty. Write a letter to your mother, and tell her you are sorry you didn't close her eyes after she died. Then, a week later, read your letter. That will fire those same neurons, in case they need any more stimulation." I said I would.

Then he said, "The next step will be to say good-bye." "Oh", I said with great certainty, "I'm not ready to do that." And continued to myself "...and I never will be."

He smiled a kind smile and said, "When you're ready..."